It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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