Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
