happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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