Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
