Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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