Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
