If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize