apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Alive.
So much puke
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Randomize
