The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I wish there were birth control emojis
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
