Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
tonight lets celebrate not being married
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
