Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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