You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
