I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
