I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
