he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She's the barista slut.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize