Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
