Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
