how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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