Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
