I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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