Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Found your dick twin last night
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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