jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I miss vodka workout Fridays
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
