she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
