peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
