We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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