I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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