Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
