dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
