my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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