When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
