Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
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