i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I party with great urgency now.
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