i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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