This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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