Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
