I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
