Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
we should paint friendship bongs
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
