Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
