He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
