So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
