you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
