WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
There's a naked man in my car right now.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
