i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
