She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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