we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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