Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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