toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
