I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
