i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
