hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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