I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
