p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
