I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
