Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
