you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
