just come out here and I will go home with you...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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