Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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