Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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