dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
