Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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