i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
