It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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