The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
