I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
