I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm passing your future prison.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
