Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
