after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
