Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
