Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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