I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just found puke in my bra..
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
My vagina is very pro this idea
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
