1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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