Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
