I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
