oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize