i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
