I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize