I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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